inonebasket | (no subject)

"No--no, Cas, I swear." He takes Cas face in his hands, and yes, that's impulse too. "You're fine. You're...great, actually. This is just. This is all me, getting weird. It's not you, Cas. It's not."

...well that's nice and all that he's not to blame, but what the fuck is he supposed to do about this now? You can't just dangle something like this in front of his face and yank it away. "Is there a way to fix it?"

"Cas, if you can figure out a way to make me stop freaking out about this whole gay things, you're welcome to try it."

"Desensitization by repetition?" God, he doesn't mean to sound so hopeful but making out like that really had been just. Fucking great.

Dean snorts out a laugh, falling back onto the bed.

"Only you, Cas." He sounds fond when he says it.

No but. He'd been serious.

Cas stares down at Dean, utterly lost, but it's starting to sink in that they aren't going to go back to making out so very reluctantly, he climbs off of Dean and sits on the edge of the mattress beside him instead.

Dean doesn't move for a minute, just lying on the bed with his legs dangling over the side. Abruptly, he sits up, grabbing Cas and dragging him in close.

"I'm sorry, Cas, I really am. But I meant it when I said the rules are different with you. I'll keep trying."

"I know." Cas really is doing his level best to be sympathetic and understanding, but everything that humans make a big stinking deal out of is just so damn trivial. And now that big stinking deal is cockblocking him.

Cas sighs, leans against Dean for a moment and then extracts himself, running a hand through his hair. "We still need to eat. I'll get us food." He takes Dean's wallet from the table, there were plenty of diners they passed on the way.

Poor Cas. Dean really does have more complexes than the universe has names for, all compounded by a deep sense of self-hate. He's trying, though, he really is. For Cas' sake, he'll keep trying.

He waits until Cas is gone before getting up and padding into the bathroom. For once, it's Dean's turn to take a cold shower, and that's incredibly weird, but it's a good sign. Right? Probably.

Cas walks down the street, stops at the nearest diner and orders two of the rarest burgers he can for himself and another two for Dean, the way he likes it. Has it all boxed up, remembers Dean's pie and is back at the motel in thirty minutes.

Fixing Dean has never seemed so insurmountably difficult. What can he do? Pretend nothing is wrong? Be supportive? He can't be affectionate, not in the way they used to be and not in the way they are now. Cas doesn't know how he's supposed to prove to Dean that he's worth much more than he believes, because Dean still values his opinion of himself over everyone else's opinions of him. It would be healthy if he didn't despise himself.

Castiel lays out their food and just digs in. Comfort food.

Dean is still in the shower when Cas gets back, though he's finally turned on the hot water, if only to prevent his junk from crawling back into his body. When he finally emerges, he's all smiles and looking relaxed.

"Y'know, I think you got out knots I didn't even know I had."

Good for him.

Cas is starting on his second burger because he's eating his feelings. His eyes flick up to Dean as he emerges and he gestures to the boxes containing Dean's burgers and pie with a twitch of his fingers. "I'm glad."

Oh boy.

Dean settles into his seat, grabbing at the burgers and setting the pie aside for later. He eats with relish, though still more quietly than usual; there's plenty of appreciative moaning, but that's as far as it goes.

"How about you? How's your neck? Could work on it some, if you want."

"I don't think that would be wise." Chew, chew, chew.

"You're as tense as I was, dude. But whatever, we'll find you a massage parlor or something."

"I don't like it when strangers touch me." Especially since he's not capable of breaking their faces six ways to Sunday anymore.

Augh.

Dean fights the urge to bang his head into the table.

"You're not making this easy on me, Cas."

"This isn't an easy problem." Duh. It's not easy on anybody and Cas is the last person who'd pretend that something is easy for the sake of social norm.

He pushes his chair back and stands, wiping his mouth. "If you'll excuse me, I need to take a shower and pleasure myself to the thought of getting you completely naked." Peace, shower time. Click goes the door lock.

....

CHOKE

Dean is just. Going to. Stare. At the bathroom door. For quite a while.

He needs some air.

Dean grabs one of the room keys from the table, yanks on his boots, and heads outside. It's somehow even hotter outside than it is inside; it feels like he's wearing way too many layers even though he's clearly not. Jeans and a t-shirt is not "too many layers."

Ten minutes. He only plans to be gone ten minutes, but somehow his walk takes him a lot farther than he meant to go so it's more like he's gone for an hour. By the time he gets back, he's in need of another shower, sweat making the back of his neck uncomfortably sticky.

Except that once Dean enters the room Cas is going to shove him against the wall with a hand to his chest. Not in that sexy way either, no; in that 'I'm pretty angry at you Dean' sort of way.

"Get a phone," Cas growls out before backing off.

He turns, letting out a breath and putting a hand to his forehead. When he'd emerged from the bathroom ten minutes later and found a room key gone, the Impala still there and with no sign of Dean, he hadn't been alarmed. He probably just took a short walk.

The walk turned into an hour and Cas started having visions of a Leviathan happening across Dean and doing any number of things to him. Castiel's imagination is surprisingly vivid.

"Whoa--whoa, Cas!"

Now Dean just feels like an asshole. He really can't do anything right by Cas, can he?

"Sorry."

"It's fine. I was just...worried." Not scared. Worried.

"I'm sorry for how I behaved earlier." Because Cas had known he was being a dick, he just didn't care. "I'm just frustrated." He pauses. "Regretting my decision to take a male vessel, as well."

"Cas, I already told you. You wouldn't be you in another vessel."

Dammit. Dean knew he was being hard on Cas with the whole gay thing, but he hadn't realized it was bugging him this much. Good job, Dean. You keep breaking it.

"Look, I'm sorry. You had every right to be ticked off; I was being a dick. Cockblocking...it sucks."

"If you had met me as a female, you wouldn't think so." Cas almost wishes that Dean, like Jimmy, was able to perceive his true form. Maybe if he could, that would have driven the point home that he's not a penis or a vagina or human. Maybe it would be easier on Dean if he had physical proof that the rules really, honestly do not apply to Castiel.

"It doesn't matter. As we collect more of my Grace, this will become more manageable for me. You won't have to worry about it soon."

Dean completely ignores everything except for the end.

"I want to worry about it."