inonebasket | (no subject)

"Yeah. Well." Dean clears his throat, adjusting his grip on the wheel and driving just a little bit faster. "I don't remember much of hell. For the record."

Why are you talking about this, Dean.

"I don't think I was in Hell, Dean. I think I was just gone." Un-existing, as it were.

Because he needs to talk about something. Yes, this is a terrible something to be talking about, but he needs to...talk.

"Gone. So why are you back? Are you looking for forgiveness? Is that it?" Very bitter. Very...hurt.

"No," because it's true, because it hurts to hear but it looks like it hurts Dean even more to ask it. "I want to at least see two wayward orphans safe before I do anything else."

"Cas, the orphans are safe. Or they were until they got slaughtered. So unless you wanna go back in time and stop me from taking them out of the town in the first place, you're out of luck."

Seriously, Castiel, Dean is too obtuse for your subtlety.

Castiel stares at Dean in that vaguely uncomfortable, soul-searching way before looking back out the window at the scenery flashing by. "My first order of business is to either kill or banish the Leviathan. I haven't planned much beyond that."

"You might lose heaven in the meantime; Balthazar seemed pretty interested. Sure you're okay with that?"

Balthazar.

"Heaven no longer has a place for me. My only concern is here." 'Here' being any number of things. Hunting the Leviathan as a form of atonement, sure, but also to try and keep Dean and Sam safe in his own meager way.

Very meager. The only thing they've seen so far that could take out a Leviathan permanently came from down below. It stands to reason that angels could take Leviathans out, too, with effort, but so far, neither side seems interested in lending a helping hand.

Well, whatever. Dean's not in a position to be picky about allies.

"Sam and Bobby are gonna be pretty damn pissed at you."

Castiel feels his mouth go dry, marvels at it for just a second, hates it after that and tries to form words around it that don't sound pathetic. He's not sure if he succeeds. "...I was hoping you would let me go after our discussion."

"No way."

His knuckles are white on the steering wheel now.

"You gotta own up to what you did. Face the music. You made your bed, you gotta lie in it." Wait. "Don't you dare fly away this time. Sorry's not gonna cut it if you do."

"I'm trying to take responsibility, Dean." Castiel snaps before he can stop himself, and his hands clench tightly atop his knees. Guilt so easily transforms into anger, into something ugly and defensive and that isn't what Castiel wants but even now, even in his most humiliating moments there's still that damning pride hanging on, stubbornly.

After a moment, more calmly: "There's no need to trouble Bobby and Sam with this. Just say what you need to and send me away."

"What I need to say? Cas, you almost brought the end of the world on our heads for the second time--maybe you did! With these damn Leviathan things, I don't know. There is so much I want to say it'd take weeks to get it all out!"

Lots of it is very angry. An equally significant portion of it is just kind of wounded and betrayed. Still.

Well, maybe he'll just start with the most important thing.

"Where have you been? Cas, if you were back, why didn't you come find me?"

Oh gosh, Dean. That part is the simplest thing to understand. Cas would've gotten it even as an angel, why don't you? "If our positions were reversed, would you look for me?"

The last thing in the world Castiel had wanted to see was that expression on Dean's face, and the last thing he wanted to hear was the anger and hurt in his voice. As long as he knew Dean and Sam were alive, that was enough for him. More than enough, and more than he deserved, really. Dean thinking Castiel was dead- it had been apt, and it was something Castiel was sure Dean could come to terms with.

Edited 2011-11-20 18:26 (UTC)

....Right. Dean clears his throat again, for no real reason. "Yeah. Okay. I guess not."

Those are as many feelings as Dean can manage for now, so he just keeps driving in silence. Unfortunately for Cas, they're really in the middle of nowhere, so there isn't even a gas station for Dean to stop at. They're trapped in the car together for the moment and Dean hasn't even seen fit to turn on the radio. Uncomfortable silences all the way!

So it's up to Cas to break the uncomfortable silence.

"I hadn't thought you would want to see me again after what I did to Sam."

...by saying something to make things even more uncomfortable. Well, that is his usual MO.

Wow, Cas is really good at that, isn't he. It's like some kind of bizarre angel talent. Or maybe they read it in Angel Cosmo. How to piss off your humans in 10 easy steps!

"Damn right I didn't!"

No. Dean. Keep it together. Do not snap at Cas while doing 90 down a rural highway. Bad plan.

"You almost killed him--you almost killed all of us! You might have, if these Leviathan things have their way. Dammit, Cas." He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. "I wish you'd asked. Even if I couldn't have done anything, I'd have tried. Not like I haven't faced bad odds before, y'know?"

In retrospect, Cas knows how horribly he'd always explained himself. It was almost a thing lost in translation; moving from Grace and Enochian to a human mouth, through English language, it was as if everything he needed to get across fell to the wayside and left him speaking the bare bones. 'I did it for you' contains so much more meaning in Enochian, in Heaven, than it did here on Earth.

Words are so insufficient sometimes, but they're all Cas has now. "It's in the past. My reasons, your reasons. We should leave them there." It's too much to explain and it feels as if it would hurt coming out. Cas doesn't want to lay himself raw and open for anyone, not even Dean.

Dean would really like to rub his face, but again. 90 on a rural highway. Might be a bad plan. What is also a bad plan is attempting to get Cas to actually spill his guts. He's been trying to get that to happen for...how long now?

"Fine. Fine, whatever. Leave it in the past. Yeah, Cas, because you're so good at leaving the past alone." Dean, stop sniping. He takes another deep breath. This time it almost helps. "Look. Pissed as I am--and I'm pissed, don't get me wrong--I'm...well. We all figured maybe you'd finally bit it. Considering."

"I had. 'Bit it.'" Castiel looks out the window. The headlights of the Impala catch short scrubs and throw huge shadows behind them that melt into the darkness of night. "I felt my Grace leave me. My wings are scorched into the lake bed."

"Wha--" Thank god for Dean's driving control. He turns his head to stare or glare or something at Cas, remembers he's speeding and snaps his eyes back to the road in front of him. At least he's slowed down a little. "Cas, I've seen angels bite the dust before and I know as well as anyone that once they leave that feathery shadow behind, there's no coming back. So why are you back?"

Another thought occurs to him.

"And why are you in Jimmy's body if you're not using it anymore?"

"I don't know."

That also hurts to admit, though not as much as the other things he'd refused to tell. Castiel places a palm flat on his chest, as if he could feel Jimmy's soul inside of him, but there's nothing. No echo, no whisper.

Castiel's voice is low, a whisper. "I think I may have killed him with what I did." The admission sounds more ragged than it would have when he'd been an angel.

That's it. Dean pulls over, stopping the car.

"Cas just. Just tell me one thing, okay? Did you know--did you have any idea--just how bad that deal could go?"

Of course he had.

A being doesn't live to be over four hundred million years old and not be able to perceive possible outcomes. Not to mention that Castiel is first and foremost a soldier, a strategist and is practically built to consider the worst case scenario and then take measures against it.

He'd just...hung his hopes on the wrong coat rack. That was all.

"Yes."

He won't lie to Dean again, though. That was a lesson he'd finally, finally learned.

"Okay. Yeah." Dean rests his forehead on the steering wheel for a moment before sitting up straight and getting the car moving again. "You're an idiot, just so you know. And I'm not sayin' that lightly, you out-idiot all the idiots, and coming from me, that's pretty impressive. And I dunno if I can trust you like I used to, but I am not leaving you, Cas. I'm just not."

Or he's not letting Castiel get away this time is what he means. It just came out a little bit sideways.